"At least your alive."

"At least you are alive".

These are the well meaning words I hear often. I know that they are coming from a loving place, from people that want to be thanere but aren't really sure what to say. But sometimes those words make me think that the way I'm feeling about some things are invalid because I couldn't have easily not been here.

You know sometimes it's just nice to have someone understand your feelings. Like "I'm really glad your here, but yes I can totally understand that what your going through really suck!".

Yes I'm glad I'm still here, and most of the time I cope with the changes to my life, my body and my family pretty well. However there are times when I still struggle. Like when I'm in bed, I would just like to roll over without pain. Yes I'm in much less pain than I was in, but it's still pain none the less. Like when I sort through my things and find my pregnancy test with Marcella, and know that is the last ever pregnancy test I will take, that is the last time I will ever feel that surge of excitement and joy that we will be expecting another blessing in our family. I know some people around me are very glad that I can't have more children, but for me that is devastating. Most of the time I try and look at to the future and the next stage of my and our lives as a family, however in quiet times it still hurts, and REALLY SUCKS!

But hey at least I'm alive.